Never Trim Your Hedges

It all started on an uneventful Saturday morning. As per usual, we planned to continue house renovations and yard work. The plan was to paint the laundry room + guest closet and trim all the hedges back.

After a quick trip to buy a hedge trimmer and a tree trimmer from a guy that Chris found on FB marketplace, we made a few stops at home improvement stores. Chris taped the laundry room up for me and I started painting.

Chris was busy outside ripping things off the house and trimming the hedges. After finishing the first coat of paint, I went out to check on the hedges.

That is when things went south….

(Warning: May not be suited for animal lovers or the squeamish)

Chris wanted me to come check his progress on the hedges. I pointed out a *few areas that needed more trimming.

In my peripheral, I saw the black mailbox on the house move which struck me as odd. I looked over and saw that a black snake was crawling past the mailbox and around the top of the front door. I yelled to the Chris who couldn’t hear me over the trimmer.


He turned it off and came over to inspect the door frame. We couldn’t tell if it was crawling into a unseen hole at the top or not. Chris went to grab the machete and a metal pole.

Chris tapped the snake’s tail which was not received well. After several minutes of surveillance, Chris waited until he had begun his descent to make the first attempt to pin the snake. He thrust the metal shovel into the door frame while I continually reminded him not to damage the front door.

We were sure that he had been beheaded but he recoiled super fast and pulled his head back in. We then retreated to a safe distance to discuss next steps.

After a long standoff during which I was eaten alive by mosquitos, Chris pinned the snake to the door frame with the shovel but the snake began to coil his tale down the handle. According to Chris, I was in a frenzied state at that point and was jumping up and down in the yard.

The snake fell onto the railing and started slithering back into the bushes. Chris tried to get him a few times but he continued to slide behind the steps. Before he could make it completely behind the steps, Chris chopped him partially in half. His tail was still moving and blood was bubbling out of his body.

The upper half continued to make his way under the steps. The bottom half was still writhing in the crack.

At this point, our new neighbors came over to introduce themselves. I explained what was going on and Ronnie (a country boy at heart) proceeded to grab the emerging head of the snake with his bare hands. He walked across the street and flung it over the hill.

His wife explained to me that black snakes are good to have around and I explained that I wanted it dead.

I went back in the house and noticed that the extension cord was coming through a crack in the front door. I asked Chris if that is how it has been earlier and he responded in the affirmative. Basically, that snake could have went in our house and Chris knew that the whole time.

Courtney’s Moral of the Story: Never trim your hedges. 😜

Chris’s Tip: Hire someone else to trim the bushes. #thismontyhouse

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